Note: Some photos in this particular blog post may be anachronistic. They are intended only to enhance the humor, and are not intended to represent the particular periods under discussion here.
A funny story told by Ronald Reagan:
“It is said that Castro was making a speech to a large assembly, and he was going on at great length; and then a voice out in the crowd said: ‘Peanuts, popcorn, cracker jack?’
Fidel Castro, late dictator of communist Cuba
And he went on, speaking; and again the voice said: ‘Peanuts, popcorn, cracker jack?’
And about the fourth time this happened, he stopped in his regular speech and he said, ‘The next time he says that,’ he says, ‘I'm gonna find out who he is, and kick him all the way to Miami!’”
And everybody in the crowd says: ‘Peanuts, popcorn, cracker jack?’ ”
*****
It was once said in Soviet Russia: “In this country, the future is known with certainty. (It’s the past that keeps changing.)”
*****
An old lady asked Gorbachev whether communism is philosophy or science. Gorby thought for a moment and answered, “Philosophy.”
Mikhail Gorbachev, dictator of Soviet Russia
“I thought so,” exclaimed the old lady, “Scientists would have tried it on animals first!”
*****
A great one from Ronald Reagan:
Ronald Reagan
“Two fellas in the Soviet Union were walking down the street, and the one of them says: ‘Have we really achieved full communism? Is this it – is this now – full communism?’
And the other one said: ‘Oh, [heck] no – things are gonna get a lot worse!’ ”
*****
One day, a judge in a Soviet court walks out of his chambers laughing his head off. A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing.
“I just heard the funniest joke in the world!” he says.
“Well, go ahead,” says the other judge, “tell me!”
“I can’t,” he says, “I just gave someone ten years for it!”
*****
A great joke I heard, as told by Ronald Reagan:
“I’ve been collecting stories that are told in the Soviet Union by their people – among themselves – which reveal they’ve got a great sense of humor, but they’ve also got a pretty cynical attitude toward their system. And I told this one …. in the car. I didn’t tell this one to Gorbachev …
You know, there’s a ten-year delay in the Soviet Union of delivery of an automobile; and only one out of seven families in the Soviet Union own automobiles. There’s a ten-year wait, and you go through quite a process when you’re ready to buy, and then you put up the money in advance.
And this happened to a fella, and this is their story that they tell – this joke:
That this man, he laid down his money, and then the fella that was in charge said to him, ‘Okay, come back in ten years, and get your car.’
And he said: ‘Morning or afternoon?’
And the fella behind the counter said, ‘Well, ten years from now, what difference does it make?’
And he said, ‘Well, the plumber's coming in the morning …’ ”
Karl Marx, the founder of Marxism
*****
A great joke from Ronald Reagan:
“You know, less than one family out of seven in the Soviet Union owns an automobile. Most of the automobiles are driven by the bureaucrats. (The government furnishes them, and drivers, and so forth.)
So an order went out one day to the police that anyone caught speeding – anyone, no matter who – gets a ticket.
Mikhail Gorbachev
Well, Gorbachev came out of his country home, his dacha. He was late getting to the Kremlin, there was his limousine and driver waiting. He told his driver to get into the back seat – he’d drive – and down the road he went.
They passed two motorcycle cops. One took out after him.
And pretty soon, he’s back with his buddy; and his buddy says ‘Well, did you give him a ticket?’ And he said, ‘No!’
‘Well,’ he said, ‘Why not?’
‘Oh,’ he said, ‘too important!’
‘Well,’ he said, ‘we’re told to give anybody a ticket, no matter who it is!’
‘Oh,’ he said, ‘no, no, this one was too … I couldn’t …’
‘Well,’ he said, ‘who was it?’
He said, ‘I couldn’t recognize him; but his driver was Gorbachev!’ ”
*****
An interesting joke I heard recently, which was once told in the Soviet Union:
“Which is more useful – newspapers or television? (Answer: Newspapers, of course – you can’t wipe your butt with a TV.)”
*****
A story told by Ronald Reagan:
“Strengthen working discipline in collective farms” – Soviet propaganda poster issued in Soviet Uzbekistan, 1933
“The commissar in the Soviet Union who went out to one of those state collective farms, grabbed the first worker he came to, said, ‘How are the crops?’
‘Oh,’ he said, ‘the crops, never been better – just wonderful!’
He said, ‘How about potatoes?’
‘Oh,’ he said, ‘Comrade Commissar … if we could put the potatoes in one pile, they would reach the foot of God!’
And the Commissar said: ‘This is the Soviet Union, there is no God!’
And he says, ‘That's all right, there are no potatoes!’ ”
*****
A great one from Ronald Reagan:
Ronald Reagan
“Three dogs – an American dog, and a Polish dog, and a Russian dog – and they were all having a visit, and the American dog was telling them about how things were in this country.
He said, ‘You know, you bark; and after you bark long enough, and somebody comes along and gives you some meat.’
And the Polish dog said, ‘What’s meat?’
The Russian dog says: ‘What’s bark?’ ”
*****
A teenager in the Soviet Union is once reported to have said: “Dad, can I have the car keys?” And the father replied: “Yes, but bring them back – in seven years or so, we might actually get the car!”
*****
Three workers find themselves locked up, and they ask each other what they’re in for.
The fence at the old Gulag camp in Perm-36
The first man says: “I was always ten minutes late to work, so I was accused of sabotage.”
The second man says: “I was always ten minutes early to work, so I was accused of espionage.”
The third man says: “I always got to work on time, so I was accused of having a Western watch.”
*****
Vladimir Lenin, Joseph Stalin, Nikita Khrushchev, Leonid Brezhnev, and Mikhail Gorbachev are all traveling together in a railway carriage. Unexpectedly, the train stops.
Lenin suggests: “Perhaps we should announce a subbotnik, so that workers and peasants will fix the problem.”
Vladimir Lenin
Stalin puts his head out of the window and shouts, “If the train does not start moving, the driver will be shot!”
Joseph Stalin
But the train doesn’t start moving.
Khrushchev then shouts, “Let’s take the rails from behind the train and use them to lay the tracks in front.”
Nikita Khrushchev
But still the train doesn’t move.
Next Brezhnev says, “Comrades, Comrades, let’s draw the curtains, turn on the gramophone and just pretend we’re moving!”
Leonid Brezhnev
Finally, Gorbachev gets out and says, “We were going the wrong way anyways!” and changes the train’s direction.
Mikhail Gorbachev
*****
Joseph Stalin
He’s conducted round the splendors of the Élysée Palace, but remains as stony-faced as ever.
Élysée Palace
He’s shown the masterpieces of the Louvre, but the curators fail to get any reaction out of him.
Courtyard of the Museum of Louvre, and its pyramid
He’s taken to the Arc de Triomphe, but displays not the slightest interest.
Arc de Triomphe
Eventually, the official motorcade drives him to the foot of the Eiffel Tower, where Stalin finally stares up in amazement and astonishment.
Eiffel Tower
He turns to his French hosts and asks in bewilderment: “But, Paris is a city of 9 million people … surely you need more than one watchtower?”
*****
Why do ex-KGB officers make the best taxi drivers in Moscow? (Answer: Because if you just tell them your name, they’ll already know where you live!)
View of Red Square in Moscow
*****
A great one from Ronald Reagan:
Ronald Reagan
“I heard one about a fella who went to the KGB, to report that he lost his parrot. And the KGB asked him why he was bothering them; why he didn’t just report it to the local police?
‘Well,’ he answered, ‘I just want you to know that I don’t agree with a thing that parrot has to say …’ ”
*****
One day, an American guy and a Soviet guy are arguing about which system was better, capitalism or communism. So the Soviet guy opens up by saying: “In the USSR, the constitution protects your freedom of speech.” And the American guy replies: “But the United States Constitution protects your freedom after the speech, too!”
United States Bill of Rights
*****
A KGB officer is walking in Red Square and he sees an old Jewish man reading a book. The KGB guy asks him: “What are you reading, old man?” The old man says “I am trying to teach myself Hebrew.”
Red Square in Moscow
The KGB guy asks: “Why are you trying to learn Hebrew? It takes years to get a visa for Israel – you would die before the paperwork got done.”
“I am learning Hebrew so that when I die and go to Heaven I will be able to speak to Abraham and Moses,” the old man replies – “Hebrew is the language they speak in Heaven, you know.”
“But what if you go to Hell instead?” asks the KGB guy.
And the old man replies, “Russian, I already know.”
*****
A great quote from Ronald Reagan:
“I don’t know whether you know it or not, but I have a new hobby: I am collecting stories that I can actually prove are told among the Russian people – they make them up themselves, they tell them between themselves – reveals they’ve got a great sense of humor, and they’ve also got a little cynical attitude about things in their country.
And one of these stories, the one I’m gonna tell you, I told to General Secretary Gorbachev – and he laughed!
The story was an American and a Russian arguing about their two countries, and the American said: ‘Look, in my country, I can walk into the Oval Office, I can pound the president’s desk, and say, ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re running our country!’
Ronald Reagan in the Oval Office
And the Russian said, ‘I can do that.’
The American says, ‘You can?’
He says, ‘Yes – I can go into the Kremlin to the General Secretary’s office, pound his desk, and say, ‘Mr. General Secretary, I don’t like the way President Reagan’s running his country!’ ’ ”
The Kremlin, Moscow
*****
Joseph Stalin decides to go out one day and see what it’s really like for the workers, so he puts on a disguise and sneaks out of the Kremlin. After a while he wanders into a cinema.
Soviet flag
When the film has finished, the Soviet Anthem plays and a huge picture of Stalin appears on the screen. Everyone stands up and begins singing, except Stalin, who smugly remains seated.
Huge picture of Joseph Stalin
A minute later a man behind him leans forwards and whispers in his ear: “Listen Comrade, we all feel exactly the same way you do, but trust me, it’s a lot safer if you just stand up.”
*****
The KGB, the Gestapo, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them all a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.
The Gestapo goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.
The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”
*****
An old man is dying in his hovel on the steppes. There is a menacing banging on the door.
“Who’s there?” the old man asks. “Death,” comes the reply.
“Thank God for that,” he says, “I thought it was the KGB.”
*****
A Russian man waits in line at the store for over an hour. When he gets to the front of the line, he’s told there is no more bread for sale. He launches into a tirade, asking what kind of government can’t provide for its people.
Long line for cooking oil (rather than bread) – Soviet Romania, 1986
Finally, a man in a trench coat steps up behind him, and tells him that if he’d talked like that a few years ago, he’d have been shot. He heads home empty-handed.
When he gets home, his wife says: “What? They’re out of bread?” He responds: “Yeah, and they’re out of bullets, too.”
*****
One day, a KGB officer tells the next of kin that her father committed suicide. She says: “How did he die?” The KGB says: “Skull fracture.” She says: “Skull fracture?” “Well, he wouldn’t take the poison … ”
*****
A great one from Ronald Reagan:
“[There was] the man walking along the street at night [in] Moscow. Soviet soldier called to him to halt, he started to run, the soldier shot him.
And another man said: ‘Why did you do that?’
‘Well,’ he said, ‘Curfew.’
‘Well,’ he said, ‘it isn’t curfew yet …’
He said, ‘I know, he’s a friend of mine – I know where he lives – he couldn’t have made it!’ ”
See also footage of Ronald Reagan telling some of these jokes
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