Funny Congress quotes and jokes

You wanna hear a joke? Congress.

"We hang the petty thieves, and appoint the great ones to public office." - Aesop

United States Capitol, the building where the Congress meets

Did you hear they've started using Senators for scientific experiments instead of rats? There are two reasons for this: One is that the scientists don't get as attached to the Senators, and the other is that there are some things even rats won't do.

Did you hear about the hurricane that went through Washington, D.C. today? It caused $100 billion worth of improvements.

Thomas Sowell, economist

"The first lesson of economics is scarcity: There is never enough of anything to fully satisfy all those who want it. The first lesson of politics is to disregard the first lesson of economics." - Thomas Sowell, economist

John Adams

"One useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress." - John Adams

Thomas Jefferson

"If the present Congress errs in too much talking, how can it be otherwise in a body to which the people send one hundred and fifty lawyers, whose trade it is to question everything, yield nothing, and talk by the hour?" - Thomas Jefferson

Will Rogers

"A fool and his money are soon elected." - Will Rogers

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress? Answer: Congress.

Ronald Reagan

"I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress." - Ronald Reagan

Will Rogers

"With Congress, every time they make a joke it's law, and every time they make a law it's a joke." - Will Rogers

"The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets." - Will Rogers

Mark Twain

"Reader, suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." - Mark Twain

"It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native criminal class except Congress." - Mark Twain

Ronald Reagan

"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first." - Ronald Reagan

"All we know is that they threatened to wipe out the city containing our finest intellectual minds and greatest leaders." "Well, at least Washington is safe." - Get Smart

Capitol Dome

The word "politics" is derived from the word "poly," meaning "many," and the word "ticks," meaning "blood sucking parasites."

"A senator got up today in Congress and called his fellow senators sons of wild jackasses. Now, if you think the senators were hot, imagine how the jackasses must feel." - Will Rogers

Capitol Dome at night

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "Hey, watch it - I'm a United States Senator!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me my money."

How long does a United States Senator serve? Answer: Until he gets caught.

Theodore Roosevelt

"When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not Guilty.' " - Theodore Roosevelt

"If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of Congress." - Will Rogers

(There's only one good Congress joke, though - all the rest are true.)

Footnote to this blog post:

This blog has something of an international audience. A notable portion of that audience is from countries without a free system of government. I hope that for such readers, this blog post may be a lesson in American democracy. The ability to criticize our leaders without legal punishment is a well-protected right in America, and the existence of jokes like these speaks volumes about our country. Some might well find this aspect more interesting than anything else about our country.

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